Esmerelda, Agony Aunt
I should think Agony Grandmother might be more suitable, but since I’ve put in 80 years and you likely haven’t, I shall do my utmost to steer you in a better direction than those I have taken and have lived to regret.
Dear Esmerelda,
I am concerned about my retirement. Like you, I’m getting on and have worked free-lance all my life, so I have no company pension plan. I don’t want to resort to robbing a bank. What should I do?
Alexandra from Alexandria
Dear Alexandra,
What a charming name. You might start by marrying the Prince of Wales, and becoming the second coming of Princess Alix. Given the small probability of that (Camilla might have something to say about it), I would suggest collecting recyclables and reselling them. You’ll earn a little extra and do a kind turn to the environment.
Dear Esmerelda,
Like you, I love that heavenly shade of pink called “English Tea Rose”, but my husband is a man’s man kind of guy and he refuses to let me paint our bedroom that colour. How can I talk him into it?
Pink Fan Anonymous
Dear Pink,
Men can only be talked into something that they thought was their idea in the first place. You have three alternatives: 1. Divorce him and find yourself a pleasant homosexual gentleman; 2. tell your husband it’s not pink, but a warm shade of beige, and change the label on the tin of paint; or 3. insist on separate bedrooms. If you put a lock on the door of your bedroom and he gets “shut out”, assuming that you properly catch my drift, he may relent.
Dear Esmerelda,
My cat has started biting people. She never used to, but since she turned 10 years old, she’s doing it. Any suggestions?
Bleeding in Baltimore
Dear Bleeding,
I would highly recommend a plaster (in American: a band-aid) to control the blood flow from your wound. Once that is neatly arrested, praise the cat, but only when she bites other people, not you.